Life comes at you fast.
Eight years ago, I boldly leapt into the real world. I had no money, no ideas, and no fear, but I did have Bronx. He was a shih-Tzu mix, given to me by (stolen from) my sister. Bronx was just three weeks old, when I proposed he come live with me.
See I was single, no roommate, poor social skills and already annoyed with boys. Even then, I knew my judgement was not what one would call sound, so I relied on his primal instincts. I observed how he reacted to new comers, how they acted with him, and it pretty much accessed if one was worthy of my friendship. In retrospect, I believe Bronx’s judgement was just as shitty as mine, either that or I need to brush up on my canine. We, Bronx and I, did share one common agreement, if you don’t like dogs, then we can’t be friends.
We, Bronx and I, did share one common agreement, if you don’t like dogs, then we can’t be friends.
Nevertheless, even with my teeny tiny guard dog protecting me from inevitable heartbreaks, friends came and left, but never Bronx. When the world beat me down, there was Bronx. At 5 am when I would wake to update my blog, there was Bronx. Sharing a seat with me, sharing my tears, showering me with love. I have never experienced such devotion, such unconditional love.
I have never experienced such devotion, such unconditional love.
So, this last month, as I watched him lose his appetite, then his bark and later his ability to walk. My heart broke first slowly, then all at once. Watching my best friend die has been the single most terrible experience I have ever endured.
My heart broke first slowly, then all at once.
I try to remember all the times we shared together, but mostly I remember the look in his eyes as I laid him to rest. The vets assured me he was suffering, and I believe that he was, but it’s a certain type of suffering one endures as they watch life leave earth, especially one as pure and kind as his. He sat in my lap, his eyes wide and scared, I looked back unable to comfort him, not knowing what would come next, learning to let go.
He sat in my lap, his eyes wide and scared, I looked back unable to comfort him, not knowing what would come next, learning to let go.
And now at 6:06 am, I sit here alone, expecting him to lay at my feet, but he doesn’t. I come home, looking for his smile at the door, and I am instantly reminded I will never see it again. Even now, as I wipe these never-ending tears from my face, I wish he were here. Helping me to be strong, like he always has.
He doesn’t chew the seat from my underwear, steal the untouched steak from the table, pee on the carpet, annoy my friends, bark wildly the moment I get on the phone, and as much as I would wish he wouldn’t do those things. I would give every dollar I own to have him sit at my feet right now.
I wail loudly, and he doesn’t run to my side, but I hope he knows I love him, that I miss him, and I only wanted his happiness. I have never had a love quite like his, and I know it was one in a million. Of course, I knew we wouldn’t have forever together, but I thought we had more than this. Life comes at you way too fast.