Geez! It’s nine at night and I am at a bar, there is a beer to my left and my phone charging to my right. Tell me, am I a writer yet?
Seriously though, this week’s blog is extremely personal for me. Lately, the universe has been throwing me trials left and right—I recently presented at my first professional conference (you can see more about that here), midterms came and went; and although the auto accident really threw a monkey wrench in my plans, I managed to make it out alive (for now). My trial came and I conquered it, I didn’t succumb to the voice of doubt screaming ‘just give up’; I pushed against my urge to self-sabotage and I was able to ace my midterms and totally nail my conference.
Life doesn’t just quit swinging at you though it just finds a new method of attack. The worst of it creeps into your weakest points, and grows like a cancer. So, who did it come for? My weakest point ,of course: the person I love! I, unknowingly, made both of us susceptible to danger and temptation, and learned a truly valuable lesson: Balance is the key to success!
So, here it is a normal day, school, errands, the regular when I get invited to a semi- interesting event. Why not? We go, we have a semi-OK time, but I wish I had stayed home and studied instead. Especially after I receive a call the following morning, where I find out the man I love made a terrible decision. One that allowed him to forgot about me, about us, about our future, our goals, everything- for a single moment of pleasure. So desperate to fit in, that he stooped down to join the flock. And all I can think is “What the fuck is wrong with him?”
Yet, he is not fully culpable… for several months he has been expressing some dissatisfaction. My life has been going so fast lately and I had been just assuming he was OK with it all, and he is, but he misses me. See, life is a great balancing act, and I have been flailing my arms hoping to maintain an upright position. My classes, my career, my goals they all took center stage, I worked diligently to incorporate my family and friends, and to my own fault I assumed he felt my love… because there was always love. So fucking much love! How could he not know? Because I wasn’t there, why was it so hard for me to just be there? To listen to his needs? Has he not been showing me, telling me, screaming it at me? Did I not witness him completely fall apart and try so hard to pull himself from the depths of depression? Then what the fuck was I doing? Failing! To be there, one must be there—physically, spiritually, emotionally! Just be there!
And taking it all in, I have to ask myself: Is this my failure in my relationships, because I have heard it before –A great girlfriend, but sometimes I forget to consider their needs. And now that we have been together so long , I assumed a clean home and a cooked meal was enough. But the attention—where did it go? How many times did he want to watch a movie, and I played with my phone? How many times has he been talking, and I let it zoom from one ear to the next? What the hell is my problem! Can’t I appreciate a good thing! I listen as all my friends look for love, and as they seek solace I actively allowed my own to dwindle away. Why?
There is work, there is health and there is love… one must learn to balance all three. My last relationship failed, because I put work and friends before it. Too tired to work it out, I walked away from both my lover and my friends and focused on my work, only to become super depressed and unfulfilled. (check out my post about my shitty job here).
I was soon blessed with love again, 3 years now… and for the most part it has been beautiful. So many memories we could talk a night away just remembering. We traveled all of Texas, saw over a dozen concerts, partied all night, laughed, lived and Loved–But here I am again, fucked up and confused. My work and my health, began to overshadow my love and now I had to pay the price. In one single call, everything had come to a crashing halt, and for 48 hours we really had to question if our relationship could survive. Even after confirming the whole ordeal to be a huge misunderstanding, the words and actions that followed will not be so easily forgiven.
So, We decided to break up. After spending enough time with anyone you are going to incur some cuts and bruises, but we picked at ours. Those cuts festered, from our constant salting of the wound, and eventually infected all the love we shared. So, we have decided to break away from our past suffering, and begin anew. The pain and pride we have clutched to and allowed to draw a wedge between us, will now be burned to ash. We will rise from this, stronger and better—and together!
Already, we have begun to reset our priorities and find the balance that is so necessary to our success as a couple. As believers in the power of the universe, we know the world will be imbalanced until women and men find their unity. When we unite both the feminine and the masculine as love, the humanity can find its true strength and potential.
B+J 2017 until
Note: I want to take a moment to say thank you, for your continued love and support! I have added both a store and a calendar to the website. Please check for upcoming events and appearances here and If you are interested in joining the summer reading club, sign up soon–spots are limited!!! Don’t forget to share and follow LifeofBriancaJay on Facebook, and instagram also snapchat @briancajay