This afternoon my best friend and I were talking about love, dating, and relationships.
And even though I have been happily dating my Beloved for three years now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t have my season of fuckboys, shitty dates, bad sex, and lack of communication; in fact that ‘season’ lasted much longer than I ever wanted it too.So, when P described her love life as being similar to the boomerang app, you know the one that takes the three second clip and repeats it over and over, I could easily sympathize with her situation.
No longer single, but dedicated to helping (as all friends should be) I pulled this note I wrote in 2010. I wrote it while in between relationships, and a bit frustrated with the boomerang effect my own love life had begun to exhibit. I reflected on what I wanted and didn’t want in a future partner, and compiled a list of must-haves we all should be looking for. Well, not just looking for, but holding out for. Here’s what is non-negotiable both in 2010 and today:
- A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny, but can he at least make you chuckle when the chips are down?
- A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you. He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Otherwise, you could be Kathy Griffin and you’ll still be laughing alone your whole life. Well, she’s single. But I mean, if Kathy Griffin were—whatever!
- A guy who will attend your lame “things.” Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it—but he’ll go for you.
- A guy who will do nothing with you. And I mean NOTHING. If you’re feeling low-energy, anti-social, or blah, can he sit and do nothing with you, or does he always leave you on the couch and go party with the guys? Could you two entertain each other on a deserted island or while stuck in traffic?
- A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card. Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you.
- A guy who will say he loves you. I do not care about his made-up theory that love is just a social construct or what have you. Hold out for someone who can and will say it. Also, he shouldn’t say it just because you want him to; he should say it because it feels good to say it. Editors Note: If he won’t say it, It is more than likely because he doesn’t feel it. Move on!
- A guy you respect. Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Let’s hope so, because if you think he’s a lazy idiot you’ll end up resenting him.
I asked some of my friends what they held out for, and this is what they told me….
- A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be Jude Law, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out.
- A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you’re interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you’ll wish you had seen the world.
- A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does. Me, I don’t get serious with guys who say “maybe” they want kids. I want someone who feels as sure as I do—and I can’t talk anyone in or out of anything.
And finally, the best one—of course, comes from my wise friend Melissa:
- “Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, funny, beautiful and powerful—always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.”
7 years later I read this list and smile, I have found all of this and so much more in my Beloved! Life happens in its own time, but it is always worth the wait. Never be afraid to give love one more try.
Jaybirds, share your own must haves with me in the comments below, and share this post with a friend who is boomeranging through their dating apps, she (you?) are not alone, we have all been there, boo. Love and Peace!